Maintaining Long Distance Friendships & Feeling Less Distant

There's a new love language that's trending — sending hilarious reels and relatable memes to friends to stay in touch with them. 

But I have a problem with this method. It connects people but they don't end up talking to each other about their real lives.

Last month, one of my friends was into monkey videos. I knew that. But I didn't know she quit her job and took up Mrs. Maria's kombucha-making courses and drinks that mischievous lovechild of a sweet tea and a sourdough starter every day. I got to know these only when I finally caught up with her on a call after 7 months.

With this passive way of staying in touch, we don't get to witness the multiple versions our friends go through in their lives. We lose track of who they are now, and who they were in between, what they're going through, or what they're passionate about these days.

I've got some fun ways that help me keep in touch with friends who live physically far away, especially since telepathy isn't my strong suit.

Recurring calendar invite

Preetam is a friend I made on Twitter in 2020 when he would tweet marketing insights and I was a total marketing noob learning the basics. 

Preetam & I initially started with long WhatsApp messages where we would riff on ideas, or share what's going on in our lives and the insights we get from those. I still remember one message where he told me he was struggling to have difficult conversations with his business partner. I had to scroll the entire screen 3 times to read it. He was sharing his true feelings and fears. 

After a week I was disheartened to find that the message was still marked 'unread' in my chats. I couldn't figure out how to get the words right & find the right time to reply. I was pretty sure I was letting him down.

Thankfully, he realized it & we switched to setting up calls. It was a step toward making our responses more real-time.

Now there's a 1-hour invite in our calendars to make sure we catch up.

Every time that notification pops up, I'm prompted to text him: "Hey! Can't wait to chat. Still good for today? 

If we need to reschedule, one of us usually reminds the other of our rule — "Okay to reschedule, but don't delete or delay by more than a week."

Although we've met only once in real life, we've talked a lot over calls and chats. We've been there for one another, especially during those times when we just needed to vent or seek some advice. Our chats, gossip, and debates would even outdo a grandma at a knitting circle!

Slow voice notes

I've been exchanging slow voice notes with Mo, someone I've known since my second year of college. We were in the same hostel building. 

But we became friends when we both moved to Bangalore for work & didn't know anyone else. It was amidst the chaos of new beginnings, that we found a peculiar yet comforting mode of communication: unhurried voice notes.

Often I send her a voice note on Monday asking her how the weekend was, sharing what I ate, where I went and sometimes asking for advice on things she's really good at — tackling difficult clients. 

She replies by Thursday. Or some time even next Monday sharing her advice. She tells me about her upcoming travels, and the new projects she's going to start. And often she'll narrate a funny story from her week.  

There existed an unspoken understanding that neither of us is bound by the immediacy of a reply but rather by the sincerity of it. 

Here's one of Mo's delightful voice notes. Her genuine interest in my travel plans is comforting. It brought a smile to my face knowing that our friendship is more than catching up for the sake of it. 

Album of Zoom calls

I've met Su once in real life. She was visiting Kuala Lumpur as a tourist and I was a resident there, working with a branding agency. A common friend suggested we should meet. We had decided to meet only for lunch but ended up hanging out for 8 hours.

Since then, we've been catching up regularly on Zoom. I've known her through her starting a stationery company, getting married to the boy she loved, & going through an obsessed-with-everything-teal-colored phase.

These calls are more than just virtual meet-ups. They're a chronicle of our shared journey.

We take a screenshot after our call and now there's an album of us growing old together that we want to keep adding to. 

This ritual has built momentum for us.

I want to remind you that this technology is there, use it. Create a tiny ritual around it that helps you be excited about it.

"Call when free?" note

Sha & I live in extreme timezones. He's on the west coast in the US and I'm usually in South East Asia. Either of us takes the initiative to ask if we can get on a quick call.

Our messages are just a bunch of ‘Can I call?’ ‘Video call?’… since 2021.

This works not because we remember to catch up, but because of another hack that just came up naturally.

If either of us is traveling somewhere in the coming weeks after our call or doing something even mildly interesting, we always tell each other ‘Send me a picture.’ We mostly remember to do that, and this reminds us to call each other.

These ideas are not hacks in any way… in fact, these are anti-hacks, for a good reason. They need you to be intentional and take initiative. Their efficacy is grounded in the following principles:

• Someone takes the initiative to suggest a process.

• There's no agenda, theme, or pressure on what to talk about.

• There's no time limit, usually. We don't want to make it an office meeting. 

If you're not busy saving the penguins or pandas today, take a few minutes from your day and send at least a minute-long voice note to 3 of your friends. 

Instead of asking them ‘what's up,’ open up first. Tell them what's going on with you, and where you are, and share that you're curious about what they're up to, what's going on, and what projects they're working on. It's that simple.